Q

Let’s talk about the very first thing that greets the reader – the title. Can you paint a picture of what a ‘selfish romantic’ looks like?

A

A selfish romantic puts their own feelings and needs before anyone they date, and also places their opinions higher than the need to be liked by that person. The reason why the word ‘selfish’ has negative connotations is because of the part of the definition that states ‘at the disregard of another person’, but that is actually a compulsory – not an optional – part about dating. When you think too much about them and put their regard higher than your own, it is impossible to make the correct decisions in your dating life because you are taking them into consideration. You have to remember they are a stranger and are replaceable!

Q

It’s no secret that men and women take a different approach to dating, but were there any nuances that you discovered while writing the new book that most surprised you?

A

There was very little that surprised me considering I was once single and dating for eight years at a stretch. In terms of society, though, it did shock me how quickly we have evolved to use terms like ‘red flag’ and ‘narcissist’ as part of our everyday conversation. 

Q

Your new book is rooted in how to date without feeling bad about yourself. What do you think it is about modern-day dating that’s destroying our self-esteem?

A

When you are consciously single and aren’t dating, you don’t have to take another person’s opinion into account. When you start dating, if your self-esteem is not cemented in place, you then care what that person thinks – sometimes more than what you think about yourself. As a result, your body image can be affected. Your view on how lovable you are also lies in whether the person you are dating finds you attractive, and when you put that much control in someone else’s hands, it leaves you very vulnerable, especially when they haven’t earned your trust.

Q

It’s so refreshing that unlike conventional dating books, one of the first things you advocate for is a dating detox. For those unfamiliar with your dating history, what can you share about the merits of taking one?

A

I was consciously single for three years, and I did so because my dating life was a mess. My whole life was a mess actually, and I didn’t want to add anyone else to that mess. I couldn’t tell you what I was looking for in a person because I didn’t know what I wanted from my own life. Bluntly put, I had other priorities and I’m glad I did because if I had started dating at such an uncertain time, it would have created a lot of space for someone else to define what I wanted from my own life. By being single, I was forced to have more self-awareness and curiosity on what actually satisfied and fulfilled me.

Q

In the book, you address the fact that you spent your teenage years believing that you were “too ugly to date”. Today, years later, how does your role as a body positive activist play into the advice you give to women – especially in the face of unrealistic beauty ideals?

A

I think too much advice is focused on how to make women feel more beautiful about themselves and, whilst that is lovely, it isn’t what helped me or changed my life. What’s more important than whether you believe you are beautiful is not letting your beliefs about your appearance stop you from living your life. You have to stop letting it take so much time and energy. What changed my life was realising I am more than my body or my appearance, even in my dating life. Just because you can’t see your own beauty doesn’t mean someone else can’t. And if you can’t believe it, then just trust that they can make the judgement for themselves. 

Q

Setting boundaries is a subject you feel strongly about, revealing that you struggled most with setting boundaries in your love life. What advice can you share for women who can relate?

A

Let people have their opinions about you. You don’t need to change their mind, and it doesn’t affect your world unless you let it. When you set boundaries, not everyone will react positively – some will call you mean, harsh, aggressive, rude, or even selfish. Let them think that and continue to reinforce your boundaries. Start saying no and watch how people tell on themselves. They will show you if they prefer you easy to manipulate because if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you.

Q

The book wraps with lessons you’ve learnt over the course of your current relationship, which you describe as your healthiest. What early signs that may indicate long-term potential should women look for?

A

I actually think this is quite a difficult thing to do in the moment, and it would be dishonest of me to say there weren’t doubts in the early stages of dating. You will always have things you have question marks over, and the only way you get them answered is by continuing to stay conscious and getting answers to those questions. If you are still curious, keep dating. To say there were obvious early signs or green flags is to ignore the fact that people change, and you have to give them permission to change. There will always be testing moments in the early stages of dating, and it’s less a permanence of who they are, and more about how they deal with it.

For example, the first time he was late and how we would make up for that or the first time I was in the wrong and whether I have the ability to apologise. Of course, there were moments where he stood out from the rest and caught my attention – he was the first person who has ever made me laugh when I was angry. Most guys just get intimidated. But more than any of that, the reason why we are in a healthy relationship is because we are both equally invested in this relationship and will do what we need to do in order to make it work. 

The Selfish Romantic: How To Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself by Michelle Elman is out now.